hey all i have a new home for my blog/shop can you please update your book marks to http://lizapixels.com/blog/

Another day in my life but still same old story i only seem to write my blog when im feeling shitty sorry for that  but i guess it must help me sort things out in my head somehow.

so my dad… my heart tries to break every time i see him  he is trying to be strong but i see in his eyes he is scared and feels lonely i think like me he is missing my mum now more than ever he needs the love of his life right now to tell him everythings going to be alright.His throat has become very swollen these past 2 weeks and he is making a constant strange sound from his throat.If i am honest with myself i dont think his treatment has worked and i am so scared for him i think the future for us all is about to get  crappy.I have been trying to think positive like ive been told to but when i have had such a negative life it really doesnt come easy.I am thankful for ellie and jake who pull me through everyday with there love hugs and smiles.

I seem to spend half my life pixeling away lately i dont know if im coming up with anything worth while but it keeps my mind in a place i can cope at…im very thankful i found pixels and have my membership site.and my sweet members

I have to move my blog to my new server if anyone can help me move it without losing my posts id be greatful or if anyone has a tutorial i can use, You see a lovely gal set this all up for me and im not good with wordpress.

Just when i feel im pulling myself through the depression something comes along and kicks the shit outta my heart and i fall right back down again.We hubby and i started our new “health thing” today hoping it will help with the trying for a baby thing whilst we continue saving for ivf.So i had lots of positive energy feeling ready to start afresh ect…

well then we took dad for his check up and BAM the cancer might  have regrown they cant tell for sure cuz theres a chance it could be cuz hes smoking!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr  i could scream  

So the last few days i have been getting more and more down no matter how much i try not to i cant help it.So many things on my mind the worry over not having enough money for the iui the wanting a baby soo soo bad my tummy hurts 247.Worrying over my dad .Missing and needing my mum so badly,and aload more other stuff is just all getting to me this week.What should be a nice relaxing time with the family is just turning out to be crappy and i dont want it to i want this depression to lift so i can enjoy xmas.

what it all boils down to is after this baby app i feel deflated like these no hope and the hope as been taken away becuz of one thing MONEY and i hate it.

hubby has told me to start charting again like body temp mucus and do ovulation test sticks im doing it all to make him feel better but im sure after 9 years of trying this isnt the answer.

i read somewhere that if a woman has alot of stress in her life it can shut down her reproductive system …Maybe this is whats happened to me  with losing my mum and sister and other things that happened to me when i was a kid  …..I dunno

If any of my friends or members read this please send us positive energy as i really need it right now and if any of my pixel friends can think of any ideas for me to earn some quick cash pls email me

liza x

Well we made it there to the privete hospital all the tests were great they think we have a good chance that iui will work for us but it turns out the price we thought was right isnt i felt like my heart was going to break right there on the spot. when she says ok i will put you down for  3 cycles of iui at £1000 each. i swear my heart stopped for a sec we thought it was £600 each try and we planned on trying once per year for 3 times if that didnt work then we would have to face that it just not meant to be.

but she got our hopes right up telling us there is a very good chance this can work for us we are perfect for the treatment we were so so excited and  then bam!!

I have to save up and have at least 1 go at it its going to be hard but so worth it if it does work.

family!!! 

2 members of my family offered to help us  months back when this was just a dream and hmmm well now where are they? i told them the outcome cuz they asked and  thats it no mention of the help they once offered why ppl  esp family can play with ppls feelings like that i dont know… i couldnt do that

on a better note on friday i became an auntie again woohoooo

zoe and antony had a beautiful baby boy called him hugo they are due home on monday and i cant wait to see them again.picture is above  aint he a sweetie

ellie and jake

today i feel really and fed up again its like just when i think the depression is gone its back again before i can say happy!  I know that i have issues with hormones and the depression comes back when im due a period so i guess unless i get preg then this will carry on

next friday we go for our appointment with the baby doc and im starting to get nervous, i hope we hear what we want to otherwise its back to the drawing board

we did have a lovely day yesterday thou jakes was 9 yesterday!! wowzers my baby 9! dont make no sence to me lol  We went to the big wok  it was yummy! and jake had a great time

my dad is hmmm ok i think! he wont say much  but yep he started smoking again! i am so so upset about this and i now fear the worst i find positive thinking very difficult and now this has made me worst.

i had the scare of my life on friday

just have to tell you about the horrible night we had ,Got woke up at 2am from a massive bang i thought maybe jake had fell outta bed so jumped up to find wayne  my hubby  not there so i got outta bed to find him laying face down on the bathroom floor  naked with a pool of blood under his head omg did i  totaly panic he wasnt moving i honestly thought he was dead . after a few mins but what felt like hours he came around  he had diorea and was totaly out of it not making any sence.I phoned  an ambulance they came out and found he had a very slow heart beat.So took him to hospital i couldnt go as had noone to watch kids.so i was in a right state everyones bloody mobiles were off!!

they checked him out,  the blood was from his nose he  smashed it on to the floor when he passed out.They found on the first check that he had an irregular heart beat.second opinion said he thought it was OK .He finaly came home the next morning  ive not slept well at all yet  since as its totaly shook me up.Man i never wana lose  him and i thought i had it was so horrible.

since then last 2 days hes been having chest pains ive asked him to go to the docs but he keeps saying im fine the hospital has checked me out and the doctor will only send me there so whats the point :(  men are so stubborn.

Well i woke up felt really bad sore throat bunged up nose u name it, i just felt really rough so went back to bed.Got up feeling a little better. so got stuck into painting the kitchen  for some reason scottie wants to paint the whole house b4 xmas ugh.So the kitchen is nearly done and we start on the bathroom next.

Ellie is getting older  waaaaaa   shes 10 and her bodie has started to change omgosh do i feel old now.its like a whole new chapter in her life is starting  my baby growing up does everyone feel like this ?

we had a letter today our ivf appointment is now 15th dec  please keep us in your hearts and minds and hope that this works for us

have a great day

Ive been keeping myself busy  mostly with my members area and drawing.I am enjoying drawing again lately so i do need to play with my muse while shes allowing me to.

My dad is doing great he is healing very well ,it is amazing how well and fast the body heals it is such a pitty that  our heart and minds cannot heal the same way. we still dont know if the treatment has worked or not all they have said is that they are happy with his healing.All we can do is hope and prey.Dad has still given up smoking!!! im so proud that he is giving himself  every chance of coming through this.

im going to make this part of my site  just for my blog as i have made a new purchase area i dont need it here any more i hope you will add me and message me to add you so we can blog with each other .

I beleive blogging can help  with mind and soul  helps me alot with my depression.

love and hugs liza x

today im having a really bad day  i could cry all day and up to now mostly i have but im trying to pull myself together as i have to go hospital in a couple of hours with dad.

i went to his house this morning he cant eat he cant drink hardly hes just got so much worse in 2 days hes starting to feel down  and i hate to see him like this and what scares me is he has another 4 weeks in which he will feel alot worse than now.

i just came home and cried my heart out in waynes arms now i have to pull myself together and go hospital again i dont like going there but i dont want dad to go alone either.I feel he has to go through this traveling and the horrible side affect the least i can do is go too.And if im an ounce of help to him then its worth it.

ever wana scream so loud it hurts?  why cant everything just be ok   why i keep having to go through this with people i love?